Amy Rhodes

Keely On...

2008-09-26T16:05:00.000-07:00

(Keely's my niece. She is 4, and alarmingly smart.)

The next president of the United States: It will be Obama for awhile and he will do a good job. Then maybe Joe Biden and then I hope Hillary Clinton will have a chance because I want it to be her the most. Maybe Joe Biden will let Hillary go first.

Proposition 8: You have to say no because it means boys can't marry boys and girls can't marry girls and they should be able to get married if they want to and if they love each other. I only think it would be bad if they all came over to my house to get married because then there would be so many people here.

John McCain: He's only a tiny bit better than President Poopyhead. But just a tiny bit better so I think he's still very bad.

Sarah Palin: I do not like the sound of her voice. And she likes to kill polar bears.

Democrats vs. Republicans: Democrats are better because they like to sit down and talk and figure out how to be nice but Republicans just send people off to war.

The Darth Maul lightsaber: It's better than the Darth Vadar lightsaber because it is skinner and longer.

Swan Song

2008-09-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this.

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

I am going to stop being polite and start getting real (read: start posting blog entries again for the five people that give a shit).

Art Imitates Life

2008-08-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think I am still too young to be a cougar. But I did write this and I would totally do it with Hunter Parish so you tell me.

See more Hunter Parrish videos at Funny or Die

Matthew McConaughey Is My Muse

2008-07-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

Someone recently told me to stop writing things involving McConaughey. But clearly I CAN NOT DO THAT.

Three Matthew McConaugheys and A Babyfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

EVERYONE is over Britney.

2008-01-31T13:25:00.001-08:00

In my 22 years on this planet (wink, wink, am I right ladies?), I have heard my mom drop the f bomb less than ten times. Three of those times happened today whilst we were on the phone talking about crazy people in Hollyweird (read: basically everyone). I was talking about a famous actress I met yesterday who shall remain nameless but who was a total nutter butter:

My Mom: Well,she sounds crazy. Like Britney Spears.
Me: Oh...Britney's in the hospital again. Did you hear?
My Mom: I could give a fat fuck about Britney Spears.
Me: Did you just say fat fuck?
My Mom: Yes. I said I could give a fat fuck about Britney Spears.
Me: Wow.
My Mom: I mean it. I turned on the news today at noon while I was making my lunch and the top story was Britney Spears. I live in Iowa, I want to know if there is going to be a blizzard or what's going on with the war, not about fucking Britney Spears.
Me: You keep saying fuck!
My Mom: I know I do! I'm serious about this.(Beat.) Do you still have a cold?

Sexual Harrassment in the Workplace

2008-01-29T18:15:00.001-08:00

I have been a busy bee gearing up for this. I am going on the whole tour and will even be in the show as Ninja Number 3. I am basically pissed that I am not Ninja Number 2 but whatever. The whole thing will no doubt be insane as evidenced by our rehearsal last weekend when this was suggested: "What if one of the ninjas in the opening fight scene gives birth to a baby onstage?" (PS. Ninja Number 2 gets to do that, of fucking course.)

Anywho, being busy has not stopped me from sexually harassing Bryan at work. Bryan once noted that if he wrote down even half of the things that I said to him during the workday he could, "Sue, make a mint and retire." Case in point today:

Bryan: I wish it were Two Taco Tuesday.
Me: It is Tuesday. Which means it is Two Taco Tuesday.
Bryan: Where?
Me (point at my vagina): Chomp, chomp.
Bryan (exasperated): Really?

A Conversation Between Two Queens

2007-12-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

Me: Are there hobbits in the Lord Of The Rings movies?
Bryan: I don't know.
Me: It's bad that I never saw those movies.
Bryan: Please. I saw the first one and had no idea what was going on the entire time. Three hours and at the end I looked at my brother and said, "I can not tell you one thing that just happened but it looked pretty." Honestly? I am still confused about what Boba Fett's deal is.
Me: That's Star Wars.
Bryan: No. I know. I just mean I am way behind on all that kind of stuff.
Me: I think the whole situation with Boba Fett was that he was a bad guy and then when they did the new movies which went back in time...
Bryan: ...and sucked...
Me: ...right, you find out that Boba Fett's dad was a good guy and Boba saw him get killed when he was a little kid so he decided to be a bad guy?
Bryan: Who knows.
Amy: Yeah, that could be way off. For the longest time I thought that Boba Fett was Jaba The Hut.
Bryan: I think I need to go back and revisit those movies and figure out the whole thing.
Me: Well, Darth Vadar...
Bryan: ...is a bad guy. And Luke Skywalker's father!
Me: Yeah! I feel like if we know that, we're basically fine.
Bryan: Totally. You're right.

It's my birthday, too.

2007-11-19T21:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight my sister, brother-in-law, brother and Keely took me to dinner for my birthday. At the end of the meal my sister and Keely left to "go to the bathroom" but really went to go tell the waiter it was my birthday. When they got back to the table my sister was whispering to Keely, whose eyes were huge. Keely sat down next to me and said, "Amy. I do NOT have a secret to tell you. I just don't." Then she started mouthing the word "cake" over and over again until the waiter brought the cake.

Patience is a virtue, I guess.

2007-11-03T16:57:00.001-07:00

Almost ten years ago while living together in the most awful apartment in Boston, Eric Pliner and I had this conversation:
Eric: I have an idea for a play. It would be like "Scooby Doo" for adults.
Amy: Can I play Velma?
Eric: Obviously.
Amy: I'm in.

Eric wrote the play and together we built a free standing door in our driveway which we spray painted bright green. The paint didn't really take and the door broke during our first show, at a tiny dance studio on Green Street. We moved the show, and ourselves, from Boston to New York. This time, we paid someone else to make the door for our run at The Kraine Theatre in The East Village. The show ran for over a year in New York and, like any good, gritty, get-your-nails-dirty theatrical venture, the experience was filled with laughter, tears, frustration, fights, late night rehearsals, applause and lots of drinking at East 4th Street Bar. The show we grew up watching on Saturday mornings became the inspiration for the show we became grown ups while working on.

Now, there is this.

Eric still lives in New York but was in Los Angeles last weekend. We had plans to go to dinner on Saturday night. Saturday morning, I opened my mailbox and found an advance check from Samuel French for the publication of "Spooky Dog." Now, if that isn't perfect timing, I don't know what is.

This Week's "Weekly Low"

2007-10-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

Falling asleep last night with this as my last thought: I am really happy that the fall tv season has started because now I have at least one good thing to DVR every night of the week.

Same difference.

2007-09-18T12:03:00.002-07:00

My friend Seth just started working at Funny Or Die which makes the most awesome job in the world even more awesome. Yesterday there were two women pitching an idea in the office and they recognized Seth from The Aspen Comedy Festival. And then this happened.

Blonde Girl: Hey! I know you. I saw you in Aspen.
Seth: Yeah. How's it going?
Brunette Girl: Good! Haha. In Aspen you were wearing a wig. Remember that?
Seth: Yeah.
Blonde Girl: Were you playing Abraham Lincoln?
Seth: No. Joe Esterhaus.
Blank stares from both girls.
Seth: You were close though.
More blank stares. Finally Blonde Girl's eyes get huge and she looks at Brunette Girl.
Brunette Girl: Do you have to pee?
Blonde Girl nods.
Brunette Girl (to Seth): She has to pee! She'll never say it, but I can always tell.
Seth: Sure, sure. Makes sense.

My Red Sox t-shirt came and I look adorable in it.

2007-09-06T21:24:00.001-07:00

I am obsessed with Lexie. I want to close a bar with her.

Thanks again to J. Clarke for this treasure.

I am a gift to The Gays.

2007-09-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

Just got back from visiting my parents in Iowa. No sooner had my plane landed then this happened:

***
From The Des Moines Register:
BREAKING NEWS: Polk judge rules against gay marriage ban
August 30, 2007

A Polk County judge on Thursday struck down Iowa's law banning gay marriage.

The ruling by Judge Robert Hanson concluded that the state's prohibition on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional and he ordered the Polk County recorder to issue marriage licenses to six gay couples.
***

Set my people free.

Reason #1,563 That I Love My Job

2007-08-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

Last week Bryan was on the phone confirming some business-type lunch I had to go to the next day.

Bryan: What does Amy look like? She has brown hair. A gorgeous face. Legs to London. She's stunning. You'll know her when she walks in. (Pause.) Sounds good. (Hangs up the phone, looks at me.) He says he'll be wearing the suit.

Welcome again, readers!

2007-08-21T01:22:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's time to talk about some of the things people are Googling to get to my website.

1. Amy Rhodes
You've come to the right place! Keep up the good work.

2. homemade abortions
This one comes up an alarming amount of times. So much so, in fact, that I feel obligated to look in to it, find a recipe and post it.

3. ignored my text
Ladies! I have said it before and I will say it again. And again. And again until you listen. Men are pigs. The whole stinking lot.

4. Amy Rhodes pregnant
See #2. I'm on it.

5. love someone for who they are
I want to get a t-shirt that says that. That, or a t-shirt that says, "I gave him the thinnest years of my life." Either way.

6. last night i was in my sister's vagina
Wow. Uh, okay? I was at my sister's house in Eagle Rock last night but I have never, to the best of my knowledge, been in her vagina. I wouldn't even know how to get that whole situation started - from how to approach my sister and ask for vagina entry to the actual act of getting in to her vagina - I just can't see that going well. Also, seriously, what the fuck? Who Googled that and how the hell did they end up here? I would really love to get this email from my sister today: "Amy, I Googled that vagina thing to get to your blog." That would be a serious mind fuck.

I am getting cable tv, it's a bitch to install apparently.

2007-08-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

Me: So, how long is it going to take you to install the cable? Like, a half hour?
Cable Guy: (laughing) I wish.

Men.Are.Pigs.

I bought a vintage Red Sox t-shirt on ebay and it is taking, like, forever for them to ship it.

2007-08-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Jackie for the video.

This post is not funny.

2007-08-08T22:44:00.001-07:00

Sorry. It's a little for real, but only for today.

P.S. I Love You Foundation (PSILYF) is an organization that is dedicated to nurturing at-risk children through educational and inspirational outreach programs to influence positive attitudes and hope. They provide a self esteem-building class (Yoga 1-2-3) for at risk youth in inner city schools.

On Sunday, August 19, 2007, at Body and Soul Workout, PSILYF will be having its biggest fundraiser of the year, Spin for Peace in Schools, and I'll be participating in an 80 minute spin class and I am asking you to sponsor me by making a donation. 100% of the proceeds go to supporting the Foundation's programs.

To make a pledge please go to here to donate online or contact me to donate by cash or check. If you donate online, let me know so I can add your donation to my fundraising list.

I know most of you are starving artists, but even $10 will help and also it will make you feel good about yourself so basically everyone wins.

Rock Of Love

2007-08-05T00:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Chris, on the 16 women vying for the love and affection of a botoxed hot mess also known as Brett Michaels on the genius that is "Rock Of Love":

"Each of these women, in her own way, is a monster."

This is your brain on drugs.

2007-07-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

I have taken up Bikram Yoga because I live in LA and when in Rome and also I give a shit about my body so lay off. Anyway, Bikram Yoga is done in a heated room, like 100 degrees-and-I'm-talking-fahrenheit, and classes are 90 minutes long. So, as you might imagine, I basically start to go insane during class. Last week I went to class with Bryan (sidenote: it's kind of gross how much time he and I can spend together) and afterwards on line to get Iced Green Teas at Starbucks (LA, bitches!) we had this conversation:

Me: Do you think about weird shit during class?
Bryan: Duh.
Me: Today, for, I think about an hour, I just thought about Britney Spears. Like, do I feel sorry for her or am I about ready for that tragic ending to be written?
Bryan: Today I thought about this: (singing) "Oh this is lady's night, and the feeling's right. Oh what a night." 90 minutes. On a loop.
Me: Whoa.
Bryan: I know.

Crunk Ain't Dead

2007-07-23T10:21:00.001-07:00

Lil Jon: Terminal Bling

Actually, I have several.

2007-07-15T12:22:00.001-07:00

My knapsack brings all the boys to the yard.

2007-07-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

EB and I have been writing all day and both feel a little insane. We have an ongoing game where we try to gross each other out by using disgusting terms to label our privates. I just referred to my vagina as a "knapsack." He is no longer speaking to me.

Guitar Hero

2007-07-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in.

I miss my NYC ladies...

2007-07-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

...because they tell it like it is.

I was talking to my friend Julie last night and she had this to say:

"A guy being honest about not being able to be in a relationship does not deserve a round of applause. It's like a chef telling you he washed his hands before he made you a shit sandwich. The guy and the chef are trying to sugar coat it, but they are both saying the same thing: Eat shit."

This Week's "Weekly Low"

2007-07-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

I did both a lot of drinking and a lot of damage this past week so there are a myriad of things to choose from. But let's go with this:

Lying in bed last night I read US Weekly and In Touch Weekly, then tried to read Entertainment Weekly but decided it was "too wordy" and went to bed instead.

Quoted.

2007-07-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton plus this equals a good day at the office.

Full disclosure: my boss helped me come up with the quote by coming up with the entire thing. But still.

Fireworks, or a lack thereof.

2007-07-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with my friend Brian last night. I was hot, I was tired, and I was in a mood. He just e-mailed me a snippet of our conversation, what he deems the highlight of our 4th of July celebration.

Brian: You're making me uncomfortable right now.
Me: Well, 80% of the time you make everyone around you uncomfortable.
Brian: This is boring.
Me: You're boring.

I went to bed early and slept through my neighbors shooting off an excessive amount of bottle rockets. God bless America, right ladies?

For My Family: The only people who read my blog and the only people who haven't seen this yet.

2007-07-04T21:36:00.002-07:00

Good Cop, Baby Cop

Nice.

2007-07-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

Keely was painting the other day and asked my sister what she thought of the painting.

My sister: Keely, that is gorgeous.
Keely: Mommy, I am very hurt and disappointed by what you just said.
My sister: Really?
Keely: Yes. Next time, just say that it looks nice.
My sister: Gorgeous is another word for nice. A nicer word for nice.
Keely: No. Nice is a nicer word for nice.

Jennifer Aniston, I want to feel sorry for you, but you make it so hard.

2007-06-14T16:17:00.000-07:00

No time to update! I'm too busy being real sexy and real glamorous. That's my way.

2007-06-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

Ain't it the truth.

2007-06-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today someone found my blog by searching "No Fatties Hollywood."
If I ever own a strip club, that's what I'm going to call it.

An open letter to Jonathan Rhys Meyer in general but also specifically in promos for the show "The Tudors."

2007-06-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Jonathan,
Cool yer jets.
-Amy

The best email my brother ever sent me.

2007-05-25T00:20:00.000-07:00

I got a new job this week. Long story short, I work here and these guys are my new bosses. So basically I am the most important person in Hollywood, ever.

Who's more excited about the job than me? My brother. He just sent me this email:

From: Jason Rhodes
Date: May 25, 2007 12:17:48 AM PDT
To: Amy Rhodes
I had a dream last night that you were going on a ski trip with your new Hollywood buddies. I was really impressed. But then I asked who you were going with and you told me it was Teri Garr. True story.

There's No Crying In Disneyland.

2007-05-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

Keely turned three this past weekend and to celebrate my parents, her parents and I took her to Disneyland. The Happiest Place On Earth turns even the cutest child ugly. At some point, every kid there devolves into a crying, sweaty, cracked out mess.

Keely's meltdown came right as we left The Tiki Room - you know, where all the birds sing words and the flowers croon, in the Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room. She dropped a plastic toy that she had been given during the Main Street Parade off of the Tiki Room deck and immediatly lost her shit. She went limp, fell to the ground and started weeping. Weeping. Almost to the point of keening. Then she yelled, "Amy! I just can't anymore." Too much of a good thing, I guess.

I really wanted to tell her to enjoy it, because life isn't fair and it only gets harder and bills and jobs and relationships and shattered dreams and unrelaized expectations and also men are pigs. But why ruin a good day, right? So instead I just leaned down and said, "Grrrl, you can't cry at Disneyland. If Tinkerbell finds out she will make you go home." Guess what? It worked. She immediatly stopped crying and asked for popcorn. Thank god, because my Plan B was to tell her to shut up and slap her but hard.

Happy LIVESTRONG Day.

2007-05-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today is LIVESTRONG Day.

I just took five minutes out of my day to write to my California elected officials telling them that I support The Cancer Screening, Treatment and Survivorship Act of 2007. If you click the link above you can do that too.

Then, tomorrow, to celebrate, come to the final show of Three Compañeros at UCB Theatre at 8pm. My mom and dad will be there and to be totally honest if you don't show up they are going to be PISSED.

Grrrl, tell me about it.

2007-05-10T22:32:00.000-07:00

Someone needs to take a chill pill.

2007-05-08T22:07:00.000-07:00

I was at a stop light yesterday and Leonardo DiCaprio pulled up in a car next to me. For reasons I can not begin to explain, when he looked over at me I waved. A full blown, we know each other, wave. I don't know why I did it, but the point is: I did it. It was out there. And when someone waves at you I think you need to respond in kind. Can I get a what what? Anyway, Leo did not wave back. He did, however, manage to roll his eyes at me before making a right turn. Really? An eye roll? Lighten up, Francis.

The biz, love and secrets.

2007-05-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

I was babysitting Keely the other night and I got there late because I was in a meeting. About an hour after I got there we were eating dinner and had this conversation.

Keely: How was your meeting?
Amy: Oh. Uh. It was good I think.
Keely: Good.
Amy: Do you think it was good?
Keely: Yes.
Amy: Okay. Honestly, I never know with those kinds of things.
Keely: (screaming) You did good, Amy!
Amy: Thanks.
Keely: Amy, just so you know, I am not going to tell my mom and dad about any of our secrets.
Amy: What secrets?
Keely: (whispering) The ones about how much I love you.

Welcome, readers!

2007-05-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

Usually people Google pretty boring things to get to my blog: Amy Rhodes, Amy Rhodes Blog, etc. But in the last week I got three real hum dingers.

"Homemade abortions."
Wow. Okay. I love things that are homemade and I am pro choice but this feels like a bad combination. Make homemade cookies (I do) and remember that The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey and see a doctor to get rid of it (I do).

"World's record for longest time wearing a sweatshirt."
I love this one. I mean, it is basically me in a nutshell. I probably hold this world's record for the longest time wearing a sweatshirt but I am too lazy to follow up and get the credit I deserve. I am a huge fan of sweats in both shirt and pants form. After all, if God had wanted me to wear a dress he would have given me longer legs. Am I right ladies?

"More fatties."
I take offense to this one. It should be "NO fatties" because the last thing the world needs is more fatties. Again, ladies, am I right or am I right?

Vanity bites me in the ass.

2007-05-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

I just did a Google image search of my own name and this was the first image that came up.

A little on the nose, don't you think?

2007-04-29T00:08:00.000-07:00

Keely: Amy, you're nice.
Me: Thank you.
Keely: Yeah, you're nice. But you have 'tude.

What's in a Mame?

2007-04-27T16:23:00.001-07:00

This jerk has given me a new nickname. It started off as M'aime Rose, then was shortened to M'aime, then M'aimes and now it is just Mame. Today he emailed me to say that he found this really great photo of me online from my self-titled 1974 movie. He also noted that the movie has the tagline to my life:

Mame! She'll coax the blues right out of your heart.

And you know what? I will. I really will.

The boys are back in town.

2007-04-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

Good news. Three Compañeros is back and is now in prime time.
Can you even deal?

"To Do" – Defamer
"Snarky Stage Treat" – LA City Beat
"Genius. On point, enjoyable and damn funny." – Socal.com

Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, 5919 Franklin Ave., Hollywood
Thursdays at 8 p.m. on April 26, May 3 & 17 2007
ADMISSION: $5.
Make reservations here!
More show info here.

What? You want another photo? Okay. SPOILER ALERT! This is how the show ends:

I need to borrow $10,000.

2007-04-20T16:40:00.002-07:00

Today I got an e-mail from someone I did a play with in New York over 5 years ago and have not seen since. In other words, we're super tight.

Well, girlfriend has been busy. She wrote a screenplay and now she wants to get it produced. AND she wants me to invest in it!!!

Here is an excerpt from her extremely long mass e-mail:

"I also have a promise from a Hollywood Producer/Financier that if I can get $300,000 committed, he can land me the rest, and we're on our way. So far we have $40,000, which means we only need $260,000 to meet our threshold. I'm currently making a private offer of shares in the film - 1% of net profits for every $10,000 invested - so all I need are 26 or fewer people to invest $10,000 or more and we're all set!!"

A promise from a Hollywood Producer/Financier? Basically, I am in.

This Week's "Weekly Low"

2007-04-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

Using this as a justification to buy a black dress that looks a lot like a black dress that I already own: "If Angelina Jolie can have more than one black dress, then why can't I?"

My favorite subject.

2007-04-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

Me.

I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.

2007-04-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

If anyone has this man's direct contact information I kind of need it. We are supposed to be together and I think he should know. Ahthanks.

I have been in LA for about a year and I feel good about things so far. Like, really good.

2007-04-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

The Justin Timberlake Experience: Family Edition

2007-04-03T17:36:00.000-07:00

The Justin Timberlake Experience was so much fun that I figured why not include my family in the experiment. Also, I knew I would get some interesting answers since my family is basically insane.

The question: Do you know who Justin Timberlake is? I think he is a singer?

My Mom: I had to call my mom because she does not do text messaging. She hates when I start a phone conversation with, “I have a question.” It makes her nervous. I think she worries that I am going to ask something horrible like, “How do I give myself a homemade abortion?” Anyway, here is what she had to say, “Yes. He is in the news because he is, like, a jerk. He is a young guy and a jerk. I don’t know why he is a jerk. Oh I know why I know his name. He did something bad to Michael Jackson’s sister. I don’t know what he looks like, though. (Pause.) Did I say something wrong?”

My Dad: I called him at work. I know his boss was standing right next to him, which made it more exciting for me. He said, “Yes. He is a singer. He used to date Britney Spears before she had all her troubles. A few years ago he bared Janet Jackson’s breast during The Superbowl. He just started a film career and is getting good reviews for his new movie. (Pause.) Am I being recorded? (Another pause.) Is this for some sort of joke? Why did you ask me that, Amy?” Then I hung up on him. I felt sort of bad but also he kind of deserved it for using the term, “bared Janet Jackson’s breast.” How gross can you get, Dad?

My Sister: My sister talks about my niece and the students at the school where she is a principal and that’s about it. And even though she only has two conversation topics in her arsenal she can go all day. It’s amazing. I texted her and she called me straight away and said this, “The students at my school are staging a protest. They’re doing a walk-out during third period and I have been on the phone all day about it. Isn’t that crazy? (NO Pause.) Why did you send me that text? (NO Pause.) Keely has a dance recital next week, are you coming? So anyway, the protest is kind of a big deal.”

My Brother: My brother is a scientist with a sense of humor. Who knew. In Three Companeros, my Lance Armstrong-Jake Gyllenhaal- Matthew McConaughey play, there is a storyline where Sheryl Crow keeps calling Lance. There are also several “Brokeback Mountain” references. After my family saw the show my brother asked my dad if he knew who kept calling Lance during the play and my dad said, “Heath Ledger.” Seriously? What the fuck? Anyway, my brother just texted me back, “Heath Ledger.” When my dad party fouls our motto is: Never forget.

Domi, My Brother-in-Law: Since Domi is not blood related he is my favorite family member. Also, he is as close to normal as a Rhodes can get. I called him and asked him and he said, “Yes. He was in the boyband ‘NSync but broke off and has a solo career now.” Domi is what I call a good egg in a bad family-in-law situation.

Keely, My Niece: Keely will be three years old in May. She’s smart about some things, like counting to 18, but when it comes to other things she is on the cusp of retarded. I called her and asked her and she screamed, “I don’t know!” Then she threw the phone. Why you gotta be a bitch? Then she got back on the phone and said, “Shaquile O’Neill.” Uh, ohhhhhkay.

The Justin Timberlake Experience

2007-03-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

I'm weird. As such, last Friday I conducted an experiment in which I sent text messages to a handful of my friends asking this simple question: "Do you know who Justin Timberlake is? I think he is a singer?"

For the purposes of the experiment I decided to collect and log their responses, but decided to not respond to any questions regarding the experiment, should they arise. Although a few people opted not to participate (read: fully ignored my text and have not tried to contact me since) I was able to gather a significant amount of data. And, out of this experiment, an EXPERIENCE was created for all those involved. Life: 1, Sadness: 0, am I right?

The end result is this:

The Justin Timberlake Experience
(aka JT Friday, The JT Massacre, JTrochima, The Bombing of JT Harbor, Storming the Beach at JT, 9/JT, and so on and so fourth.)

Text Question: Do you know who Justin Timberlake Is? I think he is a singer.

Brian Finkelstein: ?
Brian called me about an hour later and said, “I was talking about Justin Timberlake when you sent that. How did you know?”
Bryan Safi: The name rings a bell.
Cassie Pappas: Do you have a suitcase for the show tonight?
Doug Moe: Is that the “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt” guy?
Drew Droege: What the fuck are you talking about?
Eric Pliner: Yes.
Eric Pliner (one hour later): Why are you being a weirdo?
Eric Pliner (one hour later): Is he coming to your show tonight?
Eric Pliner (one hour later): I hate you.
I finally spoke to Eric, who forced me to explain what was going on, and he said this, “You need to get a job.”
Glennis McMurray: THE BEST SINGER EVER.
Jackie Clarke: No. He is a 3rd wave feminist.
Jay Willoughby: Is this a for real question.
Jeff Hiller: Yes. He is Drew Barrymore’s ex-boyfriend.
An hour later I received this voice mail from Jeff, “Why are you so weird?”
Jen Kirkman: Is this a joke?
John Flynn: No, silly. Those are a type of shoes.
Julie Brister called me almost immediately and asked if I was all set for subbing her improv class the next day. I said I was. There was a pause and then she said, “I got your text. (Pause.) Okay, well, I have to go.”
Julie Klausner: Yes. He is, like, really famous.
Justin Purnell: ??? Do you mean what does he sing?
Liz Black: Why do you want to know? Are you dating him???
Paul Scheer: Haha.
Robert Lambert: Yes. He does beats for Missy Elliot.
Sam Riegel: Whaaa?
Susan Hale did not respond but later told me she forwarded it to a friend.
Taran Killam: Only from The Mickey Mouse Club. Is he still around?
Terry Jinn: You are ridiculous.
Will McLaughlin: He is also a dancer and a dream maker, Amy. Ahnodoy!

Up next: I ask the same question of my family. And they respond.

Teach Your Children Well

2007-03-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

When I am teaching improv I like to tell my students that, whenever possible, they should end a scene by "editing on a good rape joke." I often feel that my advice falls upon deaf ears. But today I got this email from one of my students:

***
To: Amy Rhodes
Subject: rape

I made up a missed class last night and, boy,
did I show off what I've learned in your class! Always go for the
rape joke! Especially if it takes place at
Disneyland! That's right, Mama Hen, beam with pride.
From,
Larisa, gold star recipient.
***

I really, really loved getting that email. Honestly before I opened it I got a little nervous seeing the subject line as "rape" and knowing it was from a student. I actually thought it was just going to say, "I will not be in class next weekend because I got raped." So this was a nice surprise. Because I hate it when my students miss class.

Uh... I bet not.

2007-03-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

Just keep livin', man.

2007-03-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

The Coming writes up Three Companeros again!

So does LA City Beat!

Go ahead and make reservations. It's fun and easy.

Bitch, please.

2007-03-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Pete & Lauren for this gem.

Lunch

2007-03-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

I overheard this conversation while eating lunch at a place called Salad 2000 yesterday. It feels worth noting that one of the secretaries was wearing a flowery silk scarf slung over one shoulder and held in place with a pin of some sort.

Secretary #1: What did you do last night?
Secretary #2: Gary rented “The Departed” so I watched that with him.
Secretary #1: Which show is that one again?
Secretary #2: The one with Jack Nicholson.
Secretary #1: I love him.
Secretary #2: And Leonardo DiCaprio.
Secretary #1: Leo. He is very good.
Secretary #2: Yes. And Matt Damon.
Secretary #1: Whom I love. That’s the one about drugs, right?
Secretary #2: Well, yes. And cops. And the mafia. The mob. It’s complicated.
Secretary #1: Sounds it. How was it?
Secretary #2: Very violent.
Secretary #1: I can only imagine.
Secretary #2: VERY violent.
Secretary #1: Hmmmm… You know I loved Leo DiCaprio in “Titanic.”
Secretary #2: Who didn’t?

I assume these two ladies spent their afternoon IM'ing about how good the Ali girl was on the season premiere of "Dancing With The Stars," online shopping for sensible pumps at Zappos.com and thinking about the quickest, most painless way to commit suicide. But I'm just guessing here.

This is basically why I love comedy.

2007-03-20T09:49:00.001-07:00

Last night my friend Drew and I hosted a show at UCB. We were supposed to plan a bit to intro the show but we’re both kind of above planning ahead. So, when five minutes before the show, we couldn’t decide what to do I started running around backstage screaming, “I am scared. There are people out there!” while Drew chased me, telling me I was going to be okay. When we stopped I said I thought that might be a good way to open the show. And Drew goes, “You know what would make it funnier? If when you were running around you just had blood coming out of your asshole.”

So we went into the UCB office and asked Seth (the Artistic Director) if he had any fake blood. Seth spent a good five minutes looking through his desk and his backpack before saying, “You know what? I do have some but it’s at home. Sorry.”

I am actually shocked that Seth did not have any fake blood on his person. I once ran into Seth on the street and he was carrying a small suitcase. When I asked him what was inside the suitcase he goes, “My mustaches.” He has, like, hundreds of them.

Guess Who's Back...

2007-03-19T23:56:00.000-07:00

Back again.

She's a lady.

2007-03-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I was putting Keely to bed and she let one fly. It could not be overlooked.

Me: Jesus.
Keely: I know, Amy. I know.
Me: That stinks.
Keely: I know. I'm sorry.
Me: Just don't do it again.
Keely: Listen, Aim.
Me: Aim?
Keely: Yes. Can I call you Aim?
Me: Sure.
Keely: Okay, Aim, listen. I can't help that stuff. It's just what I do.
Me: Fair enough.
Keely: But I am sorry.

I'm tornalicious.

2007-03-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

Love the music.
Hate the packaging.

Here is an awesome conversation I heard two homeless men having the other day.

2007-03-06T19:27:00.000-08:00

Homeless guy #1: What we need to do is...
Homeless guy #2: I'll tell you what we need to do. Find a drummer for the band.

The Fish

2007-02-27T17:01:00.000-08:00

I went to Vegas last week to meet up with a friend from New York. It was trashy fun, my favorite kind. But on the way there I got stuck in Burbank airport for four hours. First because it was raining in Vegas and I guess that is enough to shut down the airport there which I find offensive. Then we were delayed because our plane had a technical malfunction. We had to deboard and wait for another plane. It's an hour flight, I am sure they could have ignored the "maintenance required" light and risked it. I do it in my car all the time and I'm still here so what's the big stink.

Anyway, after we deboarded the airport was bedlam. I think a lot people thought they would never make it to Vegas. I think I would have been annoyed,too, except I spotted Laurence Fishburne in the terminal. Turns out he was also on my flight.

I don't know why but I could not stop scoping him out. Okay, I do know why. I feel, and this is the truth, that is my destiny to be loved by a black man. And wouldn't The Fish be a great catch? (Pun not intended! But still awesome.) So I kept giving The Fish glances because I knew if he noticed me he'd fall in love with me. How could he not? Duh. The man has eyes and he is not made of stone. And black guys think I'm the poo.

The Fish was talking to his assistant and a Southwest Airlines worker. They were standing in a small circle. I kept edging closer to them. Casually at first and then with reckless abandon. Eventually not only was I standing right next to The Fish, I was IN the circle. Part of the conversation.

The Fish asked when our plane would leave and the Southwest Airlines worker said she didn't know for sure, but not for at least two hours. Then The Fish's assistant took out his phone and told The Fish that he thought they should just hire a driver to take them to Vegas. And then this happened.

Me: Yeah.

That's it. I just said that. Out loud. To The Fish. Honestly, in more ways than one I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. The Fish, his assistant and the stupid Southwest Airlines worker just stared at me. Then they scooted away from me.

The Fish left shortly after that but not before turning around and smiling at me. I smiled back but here's the thing: I am 100% that if I had gone over and asked for a ride to Vegas The Fish would have said yes. And you-know-what would have gone down in the you-know-where. I'm just bad at sealing the deal, is all.

This Week's "Weekly Low"

2007-02-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

Apologizing to a UPS customer service representative on the phone for raising my voice. Then calmly telling her that the reason I had been raising my voice was because I hated her.

Bakin'.

2007-02-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

I was hanging out with my friend Bryan and his roommate Stephanie last night at their apartment. We ate Carl's Jr. and spent an obscene amount of time looking at pictures online of one of the American Idol contestants giving some guy a bj. 100% class.

We also had this conversation:

Stephanie: For the longest time I thought that saying was, "Bring home the bakin' and fry it up in a pan..."
Bryan: She did.
Me: Bakin'?
Stephanie: Like baked goods.
Me: But people don't fry baked goods in a pan.
Bryan: Chicken.
Me: Chicken is not a baked good.
Stephanie: People don't just bring home bacon. That is a really disgusting concept.
Me (singing): "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan. And never, never, never let you forget you're a man."
Stephanie: Oh my god! What are you singing?
Bryan: I know, right?
Me: The song.
Stephanie: What song?
Me: The bring home the bacon song.
Bryan: No.
Me: It's a song. I think by Aretha Franklin. Yeah, Aretha Franklin.
Bryan: Never heard of her.

Turns out we were all wrong.

This week's "Weekly Low"

2007-02-17T12:09:00.001-08:00

Buying a hooded sweatshirt while wearing a hooded sweatshirt.

I love this.

2007-02-16T14:20:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T10:45:00.000-08:00

I have a boyfriend. And my boyfriend made me this "virtual" Valentine. The video stars my boyfriend. After my boyfriend showed me the video, my boyfriend made love to me like nobody's business.

The youngest child and the only child reach a comprimise on sharing.

2007-02-12T10:55:00.000-08:00

Sunday brunch.
No one is paying attention to Keely so she starts screaming.
I look at her and scream back.
Keely: No, Amy. No. That is MY scream.
Me: It's my scream?
Keely: No. My scream.
Me: My scream?
Keely: No!!! MY scream!!!
Me: Oh! Ice cream?
Keely laughs.
Keely: That's funny, Amy. We can both have ice cream.

Go Hard or Go Home

2007-02-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

The Coming writes up Three Companeros!

Make reservations, why don't you.

Today's Agenda!

2007-02-07T10:59:00.001-08:00

1. Nap
2. Clean up the parmesan cheese all over my kitchen floor.*
3. A bath and a good cry.

* Time permitting.

This week's "Weekly Low"

2007-02-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

I went to a party last night and drank a little too much wine.
This morning when I woke up there was parmesan cheese all over my kitchen floor.

Tagged

2007-02-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

Sweet Chatty Purns and Liz both “tagged” me which means I have to write five things people don’t know about me. I’m super excited about the whole thing. Aren’t you? Anyway, here goes…

1. My first job out of college was working at Blockbuster Video.
I went to Tufts University in Boston where my parents paid $100,000 in tuition. A couple of days after graduation I was renting a movie at Blockbuster and filled out an application. After submitting to a drug test (wrong place to drug test, methinks) I was hired for, like, $7 an hour. I worked there for a whole summer. My shift manager was a 16 year-old kid – his Mom ran the store. He used to tell me I should wear more make up, would try to hook up with me in the break-room and would call me a bitch when I wouldn’t do it.

2. I hate this girl:

Her name is Emily Mae Young. In 1997 she was the Welch’s Grape Juice spokeskid and she made a series of commercials where she was drinking juice and giggling. I once told my roommate that her demeanor during those commercials was that of a little girl just asking to get raped by her uncle. This is probably the most horrible thing I have ever said. But, just looking at her picture right now, I stand by it.

3. I like the Enrique Iglesias song “Escape.”
What of it?

4. I was in the World’s Longest Conga Line.
When I was growing up my parents took our family on a series of lame vacations to different places in Iowa. One summer we went to Burlington Steamboat Days. One of the attractions was to be in the World’s Longest Conga Line for the Guinness Book of World Records. There were Guinness judges there to make it official and Gloria Estefan and The Miami Sound Machine was on a big stage playing “Conga.” It took quite awhile to get the line going and I think they had to play the song probably 20 times in a row. Life highlight for me, career lowlight for Gloria Estefan.

5. I still sleep with my childhood pillow.
The pillow, I guess, is like a security blanket I never outgrew. I once had a guy sleeping in my bed who thought it would be funny to try to take the pillow from me. I flipped out. This was fairly recently. I am at a loss as to why that relationship did not work out.

I am tagging: Bryan, Nadia and Hiller, who has already been tagged by Liz but who has yet to do the work. DO THE WORK.

That's what friends are for.

2007-02-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

I was IM'ing with my friend Liz today and we were discussing Frye boots, stupid things boys say and feeling fat. We're girls!

I love Liz because she has a knack for always seeing the glass as half full. Case in point...

From Liz: BTW, don't feel bad about feeling fat.

Come and knock on our door.

2007-01-30T00:07:00.000-08:00

PLUS

EQUALS

THIS.

College.

2007-01-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

Here is an actual conversation I had the other day.

Girl I Do Not Recognize: You went to Tufts, right?
Me: Yeah.
Girl I Do Not Recognize: I thought so. We lived together.
Me: Really?
Girl I STILL Do Not Recognize: Yeah. For a whole summer.
Me: Huh.

Grocery shopping

2007-01-14T17:09:00.001-08:00

Nothing says, "I am going to die alone" like using a coupon for $2 off when you buy 10 or more Lean Cuisine Entrees.

Doris

2007-01-12T17:57:00.000-08:00

I recently moved in to a new apartment and am still figuring out the neighborhood: what grocery store to shop in, dry cleaner to use, car repair garage to take my car to next time I get into an accident, etc. I thought I had killed two birds with one stone when I found a grocery store with a Starbucks inside of it... something I think is unique to LA and one of the few perks of living in a culturally dead city. However, thanks to Doris I am now on the hunt for a new Starbucks near me.

When I went in to the Starbucks yesterday Doris was speaking to a manager because she had rung up $70 for one coffee. The manager was explaining to her that Doris had not, "Just pushed a button and suddenly the total was $70," which is what Doris was insisting had happened. Actually she had rung up the wrong $3 coffee over 20 times. That means Doris made the same mistake over 20 times before deciding she did not know what she was doing and calling for a manager. Even after the problem was fixed Doris kept talking about how "crazy" and "insane" the situation was to the manager instead of taking my order. Finally I interrupted and asked if I could order to which Doris said, "Oh sure. What'll it be, honey?" And thus problem two was born.

It's not that I mind being called honey now and again. In fact it makes me feel young so I say bring it on. But Doris did it repeatedly. In every sentence she slid in a "honey." And it quickly went from endearing to annoying to condescending. I got the sense that Doris was saying honey but really meant "bitch." And I did not like it. I did not like it a'tall.

So, I ordered the only thing I get a Starbucks since I don't drink coffee, an iced chai with skim milk. To which Doris responded, "Oh, we don't have skim milk, honey [bitch]." I asked what kind of milk they did have and Doris said, "Well, honey [bitch], we have soy, whole and non-fat milk." Problem number three.

I get that people in LA do things differently. It's the west coast, dude. I understand. We're all just chillin' out and makin' it happen. Good times. But skim milk and non-fat milk are the same god damn thing. Telling someone that you don't have skim milk when you have non-fat milk is a little bit like getting drunk with a friend from England then telling them you don't have a loo while you stand in front of the bathroom door and watch them pee their pants.

So, fine, I ordered the drink with non-fat milk and Doris began to ring it up. For some reason I decided to test my limits and throw a piece of Starbucks chocolate in there. There was a basket of them sitting on the counter next to the gum and the cookies and - whatever - I figure why not live a little. I've earned it! So I handed a chocolate to Doris who looked at it and said, "Honey [bitch], those aren't for sale, they're just for display." Really? How did I not know that? How could I not see the decorative merits of a wire basket full of Starbucks chocolates? It really made the room. Truly. When I said, "No. They're for sale." Doris ignored me and rang up my iced chai. Then there was a pause and Doris looked at me and said, "Oops, honey [bitch]."

And then Doris rang it up again.

And again.

And so on and so fourth.

She got up to about $40 before she called the manager.

My brother is smarter than your brother.

2007-01-07T22:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I was at a party where we played Celebrities. I always feel like the celebrities a person chooses in that game says a lot about the person. My three celebs were Alex P. Keaton, Carol Channing and Richard Feynman.

Alex P. Keaton? Well, I love TV and am usually attracted to guys who look like they are fifteen. And by usually I mean always. Carol Channing? Obvious. I love theatre, homos and lipstick. But Richard Feynman probably seems like an odd choice considering I get my news from US Weekly and I was playing with a bunch of comedians who didn't have a clue who Feynman was. In fact, when my friend Will drew that name and said, "Fuck whoever put this in there," I yelled "Richard Feynman." Turns out Will and I were the only two people in the room who knew who he was AND we were on the same team.

Anyway... Richard Feynman? Well, that one was because I was thinking about my brother. He is an astro physicist and he was in Seattle this weekend doing this. Impressive stuff, no? Almost as impressive as Will and my landslide Celebrities victory. I mean it was ridiculous how well we did in that game. We're geniuses.

New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

1. Finish my novel!!!!!

2. Work out. (UGH!!!!!!)

3. Make a gay friend. I've always wanted one and they seem fun!

A two-year-old's take on "The Biz."

2006-11-27T00:03:00.000-08:00

Me: You know, I was kind of sad earlier but you always make me laugh.
Keely: Amy, why were you sad?
Me: Showbiz is sometimes depressing.
Keely: Amy, showbiz sounds dumb.

This is okay for me to say because I'm morbidly obese by Hollywood standards.

2006-11-25T12:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my sister's birthday and we went to the Dixie Chicks concert at The Staples Center. (Yes I like the Dixie Chicks so get off my jock.) Honestly, never in my life have I seen more fatties or homos in one place. So much lipgloss!

Thankfully the gays freely roam the streets of Los Angeles; but seeing a serious fatty in LA is a lot like seeing a bald eagle - it's rare. So you can only imagine what it was like seeing a gaggle of them. It was beyond comforting. It reminded me that even though I now live in a fake world, the real one is still out there and someday I may be able to rejoin it. So thank you for that, ladies. It looks like those 100 extra pounds you are carrying is not only doing serious damage to your joints and heart, but it is also reassuring me that I am, indeed, okay.

Not giving up on candy.

2006-11-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

I went trick-or-treating with my niece, Keely, on Tuesday. She was part clown/part adorable. My sister told her that a lot of candy is spicy so she needed to check with us before she ate anything. So when Keely was going through her loot at the end of the night she would hold something up and ask, "Is this spicy?" and if either my sister, brother-in-law or I wanted said candy we would say yes and she would give it to us. Genius.

My sister's neighborhood in Eagle Rock does it up for Halloween - there is a block of houses that do elaborate decorations and people come from all over to trick-or-treat there. Keely was not phased by stuff that would have scared the crap out of me when I was two because, she explained to me, she knows what is real and what is pretend. She did get scared at one house, where a man wearing a Jason mask just stood in the doorway not moving. She got halfway up the walkway and stopped. Then took a deep breath and yelled, "I'm not giving up on candy!" and marched to the front door, got the candy, turned around and ran back screaming, "Run! That man is right behind me!" I admire her determination. I almost felt bad for her when it turned out that she'd gotten a Milky Way. Too spicy.

Shleprock

2006-10-21T21:54:00.001-07:00

My friend Brian recently named my car Shleprock after the character on "Pebbles and Bam Bam" who always has bad things happen to him. Poor Shleprock. I have only owned a car for six months and it hasn't gone well. To be honest, the crack in the windshield was the least of my problems. I went to Pete's Auto Glass Shop in San Bernadino and got a whole new windshield put in for $125. AND I got laid. Not really but while I was there I did think, "This story would be so much more interesting if I ended up having sex with Pete after he put in my new windshield." A girl can dream.

One thing I have learned about owning a car is that when things go wrong it's probably best not to ask my friends to give me an estimate on how much it's going to cost to get it fixed. Their estimates usually range anywhere from "$1000" to "You're basically fucked." As it turns out, neither estimate is correct. (I did a play on words!)

If I could ask one thing of other drivers in LA it would be that they stop honking until they get my attention only to give me the finger. I get it. You don't like my driving. I'm not doing it right. Honestly, I am doing the best I can and I am not going out of my way to ruin your day so you shouldn't go out of your way to give me the finger. All that's going to do is make me have to flip you off back, which means I can't concentrate on the road, which is just going to make everything way more complicated than it needs to be.

LA driving is crazy. Also, what's the deal with airplane food.

There is a huge crack in my car windshield and I don't know how it got there.

2006-10-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

Reliving my childhood.

2006-10-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

She's cute enough to get away with it.

2006-09-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

My two-year-old niece was talking to my parents on the phone today and in mid-conversation hung up the phone, looked at me and said, "I'm over it." And she's only known them for two years.
Later, she was helping me put away my laundry and informed me, "Amy, you're a mess." To be fair, she's only known me for two years.

I know, right?

2006-09-21T15:19:00.000-07:00

2006-09-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Gays and Weather

It's two of my favorite things!

You're Invited!

2006-09-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

I Enjoy Being A Girl
A one-woman show written & performed by Amy Rhodes
Directed by Jen Nails

Wednesday, September 13
Wednesday, September 27
8pm
@ UCB Theatre
5919 Franklin Ave. in Hollywood
Tickets: $5.00
Reservations: 323-908-8702
www.ucbtheatre.com

***Emerging Comics of New York Award for Best Solo Show***

***Time Out New York Critics Pick for Comedy***

Hiker? I don't even know her.

2006-09-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

Just got back from hiking the Grand Canyon. 7 miles down one day; 10 miles up the next. It's a workout and my calves hurt. Really hurt.

Almost as impressive as the view: my parents also made the trek and made it out alive. Killing them off is going to be harder than I thought.

Trip lowlight: my father listing Demi Moore in his "Top 3 Best Actresses Of All Time." (This answer would only be acceptable if the category was "Top 3 Actresses named Demi Moore.")

Trip highlight: My brother making a joke that referenced one of my favorite childhood books:

Oh, snap.

2006-08-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

Todorable

Picture It: Los Angeles, 2006.

2006-08-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am driving with Katie in tow; we’re listening to the radio, a Melissa Etheridge song comes on.

Amy: Do you ever…

Katie: Hear a song on the radio and imagine myself in a bar, with a full band, singing the song? Yes.

Amy: Right. And you’re wearing a white tank top and jeans and high heeled boots. And your arms are totally cut.

Katie: Obviously.

Amy: Like Jackie Joyner-Kersee arms. And your ex-boyfriend is there.

Katie: Right. And after you sing he is crying and is like, “You’re amazing. Please take me back.” And you tell him to go fuck himself.

Amy: Totally… Except sometimes I end up taking him back.

Katie: Really?

Amy: I know. Leave me alone.

Long pause.

Katie: Old Navy has really good jean skirts right now.

Amy: We should totally go.

You love someone long enough, they're bound to disappoint you...

2006-08-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

Even still, I almost rented this the other day.

Talk to the hand.

2006-08-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

My friend had the brilliant idea of hiring a palm reader to come to his birthday party last week. Love it.

Anyway, I had my palm read and was amazed at how specific she was. The first thing she told me was that when I was 12 I suffered a blow to the head* that altered my mental capacities. Essentially she told me I am retarded. The rest of the reading was a blur.

* I didn't.

There was not a dame in sight...

2006-08-02T11:13:00.000-07:00

I was out to dinner with my friend Katie last night and in the span of ten minutes we saw:

* J.C. Chavez - former N'Syncer
* Jesse Metcalf - former gardener on Desperate Housewives
* Alfonso Ribeiro - former bff on Silver Spoons

It was like a Still-In-The-Closet Gay Trifecta!

I felt it was good luck, much like when a bird shits on you.

Speaking of America's Got Talent...

2006-07-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

From Celebrity Week ...

Hasselhoff To Star In Musical Based On His Life

First of all, we are NOT making this up. David Hasselhoff – star of Knight Rider, Baywatch and the new hit variety show America’s Got Talent told us today that he is heading to Australia to appear in a stage production based on his life.

David Hasselhoff: The Musical will include sets inspired by The Young and The Restless, Knight Rider and the songs of Teddy Pendergrass. “I am also doing a heart-rendering set on my life and the mistakes I have made,” the star says. “It sounds like a bad joke, but it is really going to be a good show…totally campy. It’s written by the same people who wrote Bette Midler’s show and produced by the people who produced Chicago in London.”

The production - which features dancers from both Chicago and Jeckyl & Hyde - will open in Melbourne (date to be determined) before hopefully coming to America. “If it ends up in Vegas, how great would that be?” he says. “I want to entertain people. Sammy Davis (Jr.) was my hero.” Hasselhoff, 54, will also release his autobiography, Making Waves, on September 10.

- SEAN DALY
Posted July 21, 2006

This is what happens when you don't have DVR.

2006-07-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

America's Got Talent makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

As does the Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan Hanes Underwear commercial. Are they supposed to be roommates?

First of all...

2006-07-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

There is this.